Feelings...nothing more than feelings

Today is 24 days to until the wedding.  There are still a lot of loose ends for me to tie up but as we get closer and closer I find that I'm not worried about the wedding at all.  We have an amazing wedding planner who has held our hands throughout this whole crazy process.  We're getting married in the beautiful place that we dreamed about and our kids and family will be with us.

 And the marriage itself?  Not a doubt in my mind.  These feet are toasty.  We've been living together for five years, including seven months of double unemployment and rather than wanting to kill each other, we came out the other side closer than ever.

For the wedding and the week of vacation itself, our family will be with us.  I think that's the source of most of my stress and tension.  We've never gone on vacation with all four of the kids before.  We've taken them to Disney two at a time and both of those trips had their issues.  Now we're taking them where they outnumber us and there's more pressure for the trip to be magical and happy.  The logistics of trying to work out spending our wedding night alone has been difficult but I think we have it all worked out except how we're getting the kids back to us from the family members we have watching them that night.

I am a little worried that despite shelling out for a DJ that it will be me and my sister dancing and no one else.  I want people to dance.  Can I force them?  Is that legit?  ;)  I worry that people won't like the food.  I'm fairly sure my dad will complain.  At this point though, all of that is out of my hands.

And there's the blog.  I had intended to use it to monitor my weight loss but that didn't really happen.  So what if I didn't lose 50 pounds leading up to this event?  You know what? This is who I am and while I'm not giving up, I am okay.  Happy even.  No matter how much I weigh, I get to marry my Prince Charming and live happily ever after.

I still have outstanding crafts to complete- including our cake topper.  I don't know why I am so nervous about it but I keep putting it off.  Now time is running out.  I have to finish our welcome bags and the kids goodie bags.  I have to pack all of our wedding stuff into a box to be dropped off at Franck's 3 days before the wedding.  I have to figure out how I'm getting the welcome bags to the various resorts.

I bought a DRESS!!!!

This is the David's flagship store, not the one I went to.
Just sayin'.

I was nervous about dress shopping.  I haven't lost all the weight I want to yet.  I've been feeling pretty down on myself.  For some reason my skin is breaking out like I'm still a 15-year-old oil factory.  I needed a good sized dose of feeling like a princess.

So my sister and my friend and I went to a local David's Bridal.  Our big budget buster is having the wedding at Disney so spending lots of dollars on a fancy dress was never going to happen.  It just happened to be the weekend of the David's clearance sale and I was hoping to snatch up one of the dresses I'd posted about last year.  

Weigh-In Wednesday #11

It's been a long time since I did one of these because I was so embarrassed that I fell off the wagon.  Not only did I fall off, it took off without me at 90 m.p.h.  I let myself fall into the old habit of eating my feelings and that canceled out all of the progress I'd made.

I am happy to report that I stepped on the scale this morning and the number was better than the last time I posted.  Not by much but hey, we celebrate the small successes just like the big ones!

Today's weigh in was 284.  One pound less than the last time I weighed in FOUR MONTHS AGO but in that time I've started a new job, had lots of child-related stress and I just spent three days in Walt Disney World where one day was focused on food. 

Weigh-In Wednesday #10

Ugh... I want to go back to Weight Watchers but I can't really squeeze it into my budget.  So I have to go it on my own and that means building up my willpower, not eating when I'm bored and eating better food choices.

I've been pretty good about that but when I don't, it seems like I go waaaaaay overboard. 

I weighed in today at 285.  Same as I was in November.  I should be down 24 pounds by now and that would be 262. 

I need to go back to Jillian and Just Dance. 

Weigh-In Wednesday #9

I've been doing my Weight Watchers thing-- eating better (actually remembering to eat before dinnertime!) and getting a little exercise and tracking all of my Points Plus, tm. 

I started on October 12.  I weighed in today at 285 even. 

I am down 8 and a half pounds.  I want to hit ten down this coming week. 

It's kind of ridiculous but I can feel it.  I put on a pair of jeans tonight that I bought last spring and they're falling down.  I have to keep hiking them up when I walk.  Wow.

I'm hoping to lose 8 pounds a month for the next year.  If Weight Watchers keeps working for me like it is now, I know I'll be able to do it!!!

Weigh In Wednesday #7

Weight Watchers started TODAY!!!! I left the meeting with an armful of materials, a new food calculator  thingee and a cookbook.  I weighed in at an appalling 293.4.  Kill me now. 

For some reason, WW makes a big deal over losing 10% of your body weight.  In order to achieve that 10% loss goal, I need to lose 30 pounds.  That's daunting.

Still, here we go, chugging down the track.

So how did I prepare for this new start? I spent the weekend really enjoying food.  Prince Charming and I went to our favorite Amish buffet restaurant over the weekend and then again on Monday to sort of purge our systems of bad eating.  I don't think I was like a raging glutton or anything but I ate food that I knew wasn't the healthiest choice. Sort of a last hurrah before getting serious.

It's kind of weird to think of it that way since the premise behind the Weight Watchers program is that you don't have to be deprived of your favorite foods.  If it's worth it to you to spend the necessary Points Plus (tm) to eat the food, then you can! And you can do it guilt free!

I bet a piece of fried chicken is like 24 points plus.  That's more than half my day's points!  I love me some fried chicken but I don't know if I love it that much!

Yikes. 

Just Dance? 3?

Over this past weekend my family and I went to my niece's birthday party.  I'm clueless when it comes to shopping for other kids so I asked my sister what we should bring for her daughter's birthday present.  I was told that my niece (who just turned 5) loves dancing games and Just Dance 3 was just released for the Wii and she really, really wants it.

After the party was over, we went back to my sister's house and my boys played Just Dance 3 with their cousins.  It was hysterical watching my poor, rhythmless boys jumping around dancing.  Munchkin #1 danced to Kung Fu Fighting over and over and over.  The kids LOVED the game so much that today Prince Charming and I popped in to Game Stop and picked up Just Dance 3 for our XBox Kinect. Apparently it's the first "Just Dance" title that's available for Kinect.  The first two were only for the Wii console. 

I was really surprised.  The game has a huge amount of music by the original artists (or the original cover artists for some remakes...) in multiple genres. I feared it was going to be all current hip hop and dance stuff and that I'd have to screen for lyrical content before I could freely let the kids play.  So far we've heard Kiss, Janelle Monae, Laura Bell Bundy, The Pointer Sisters and a song from The Nightmare Before Christmas.  Weird!  But so much fun!

The game is really easy to play too.  It's basically (according to Prince Charming) "washed-out albino neon people" dancing in front of a plain background and you mimic what they're doing, as they're doing it,  as if you're looking in a mirror.  The game tracks your movement with the Kinect camera and tells you if you're doing okay, good or perfect and somehow or another, you score stars.  I need to figure this out a little better- I let the kids set everything up.  For all I know, they were in practice mode or something.

It looks so easy.  I had to get in on the dancing and holy COW!  I danced to three songs and was sweating like crazy.  This game really is quite the workout!  Apparently, the creators knew that because the game logs something called "Sweat Points" and I have a feeling it's just how many calories I burned while jumping all over my living room, making my bookshelves and all the stuff on them rattle and shake.

This could be a nifty little workout for me, that I can do with my boys!  I need to move around more and Jillian is great, but not as much fun as dancing to Sugar Hill Gang's Apache like the dude in that Evolution of Dance video. (It's at about 3:50, if you're looking!) How funny would it be to get the kids to memorize a dance routine for the wedding?

So after one hour of play, I highly recommend Just Dance 3 for the Kinect as a viable and fun workout tool! 

Weigh-In Wednesday #6: the failure

Ugh!  So my Weigh-in Wednesdays have not been going as well as I'd hoped.  I have been walking and for the most part I'm eating well but things like summer carnivals have thrown me off; celebrations for birthdays and anniversaries; vacation.  I like food.  I’d call myself a Foodie.  I just need to be making better choices. 

The biggest problem, I think, that is keeping me from successfully losing the weight I need to lose, is eating out.  Fairly often I’ll decide I’m not making dinner after a day at work where there’s issues or when there’s a lot of traffic on the commute home.   Many nights I’ll have hungry faces staring at me because I forgot to thaw something to make for dinner and then it’s pizza or Chinese or going out to one of the hundreds of chain restaurants in our area.   A small, local place has an all-you-can-eat wing buffet on Monday nights where they serve a dozen differently sauced chicken wings and sometimes  Prince Charming and I will give in to the temptation.  Oooh!  And on Thursday nights they have shrimp night and it’s the best, large, clean peel-and-eat shrimp you ever had…

(Do you see what happened there?  I start getting all excited and boom! Three more pounds! ARRRGHHH!)

My office has a Weight Watchers meeting every Wednesday (convenient for my blogging, right???) and it runs on a 12-week cycle.  The new cycle starts in October, I think, and I’m going to suck it up and register.  I need the help and the support and the accountability to do this.  Apparently I can’t do it on my own and Weight Watchers has worked for me in the past.

When that starts up I will be writing about it.

Weigh-in Wednesday #5

It's slow going here and I'm not sure why but I'm another two pounds down.

Today's weight: 284. Bleh.  My nextest goal is 275.  Let's see how long it takes me to get there.

Weigh-in Wednesday #4

My new job is great.  I love the people with whom I work and the work itself is interesting. Who could ask for anything more?  I am doing a lot more walking than I had been at home but I feel like I need to add an actual workout more often. 

I do have my Jillian DVD but by the time I get home and feed the family all I want to do is check Facebook and park my butt on the couch. 

Last night Prince Charming caught an informercial for a new pylometrics exercise program called "Ten Minute Trainer."  I'm intrigued.  He said it looks a lot like P90X but instead of hour long workouts, each one is, duh, ten minutes.  If you complete one workout and aren't winded or sore or tire, you can always do another.

I am also eating more consistently.  I developed a horrible habit of having coffee in the morning and then not eating again until dinner.  Often, I wouldn't even drink anything all day either! I have a 24-ounce water bottle that I fill up and drink at least twice over the course of my workday.  I've been adding calorie-free flavor via those cutesy little MIO bottles.  It makes it more palatable for me.  Now, if I can make time to make my own lunches instead of going over to the food court, I'd be doing even better.

My boss is doing Weight Watchers in the office and has lost almost 30 pounds.  They're starting a new cycle and I'd love to join but you have to pay $144 in advance and I haven't started getting paid yet so I don't have the funds to join this time.  Next time.  I'll post about it in 12 weeks when the next cycle starts.

Today's weight: 286. Minus two for the week.  WOOO HOOO!

Momentum: I'm getting some

For my lunch hour today, I went in search of places to get lunch.  I had a vague notion where I might be able to find some places so I headed off in that direction. I'm wearing my new Sketchers Shape Up Sandals and I love them.  They're super comfortable, and if they help my thighs and butt, well then, that's added value!  After walking in them at a brisk pace for half an hour, I started to feel a little soreness in my calves and thighs.

Maybe more than a little.

I kept going.  I started to get a little sweat happening.  I felt winded.  It was great! I walked in a big circle and then came back around to this mall type place where they have a food court with lots of options and what did I choose for my lunch?  A healthy salad?  A sandwich with some crisp veggies? 

I probably made the least healthy selection available.   Those darned Auntie Anne's people with their bewitching pretzel aromas!  I ended up wasting all my exercise points by chowing down on a cheese crusted pretzel dog.

Bad! Bad Bad!

Still, I walked.  I walked quite a bit and let me just tell you:  It's really hot outside. 

So I'm going to give myself a little credit for moving around during my free time.  Tomorrow is a special "Hot Dog Day" at my office, a fundraiser/morale improving social lunch event so I can't promise I'll get my walk, but I'll try to behave myself in the face of an array of baked goods.

Weigh-in Wednesday #3

It's my first week at my new job and I think it's a great time to start new, better habits. 

Walking during my lunch hour is on my agenda, and if the first two days are any indication, I'll be spending a lot of time running around the office, bustling here and there, running to meetings, going to the mail center, dashing down the stairs and up the stairs and all around.  It's been exhausting.

Also on the New-Habits-I-Need-to-Start list is actually eating more than once a day, and hopefully, making choices that are healthier, whole foods.

It's mostly so far, so good.

But with all the stress and nervousness leading up to starting this job, I gained two pounds.  I am so ashamed of myself.  It's terribly embarrassing.  I'll do better next week, I promise.

Today's weight: 288. Bleh.

Weigh-in Wednesday #2

No change.  Blasted Memorial Day BBQ and your yumminess.  Oh well, it's better than a gain! 

Sorry for the lack of posting but it's been a busy week!  I have officially been offered a job.  I accepted!  Now it's a crazy scramble to get the kids into a daycare. I promise a better post soon.

Weigh-in Wednesday #1

I feel like Wednesday is a good day to check in with the whole diet thing.  I like alliteration and it will keep me accountable.

My last recorded weight on My Fitness Pal was 287.  I weighed in this morning at 286.  Wooo hoo, one pound lost.

Of course, I've slacked on hanging with Jillian and I've not been eating particularly well.  I'll do better.  I have to.

Why do I let TV do this to me?

Last night was the Prom episode of Glee.  I love me some Glee. I let last night's episode get to me a little bit.  Forgive me the whinypants post.

Of course, there was a sequence where all the girls were dress shopping and checking each other out.  Now, one of the many things I love about Glee is that there are two- TWO- girls on the show who aren't super skinny.  The character Lauren Zizes is one of the plus-sized girls (in royal blue over there) and has paired off with the hot football player, Puck, who likes her because "she's a bigger badass than he is."

Somehow, Zizes is able to shop for a prom dress at the same store as her regular-sized teammates and she has a choice of dresses to pick from.  That was soooooo not my experience. I was jealous.  I felt the tears start to run down my face remembering my prom dress shopping experience.

I wasn't horribly overweight in high school, probably on the high end of average with a tendency toward plumpness.  Shopping for my junior prom dress remains probably one of the worst experiences of high school and I've never really talked about it with anyone.

I really, really hate her already

I've been using this website to track my calories and exercise and all that stuff to help me with the weight loss thing. Some of my friends have had tremendous luck using just the site and watching what they eat.  Me?  I'm falling far short of my goal of six pounds per month.  Here we are, four months deep into the year and I've lost eight pounds total.  I haven't been particularly dieting or exercising, so that's not so hard to believe.  Actually, I'm quite shocked it's that much. I need to do better.

So, I did something drastic. I drove myself over to Target and bought Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred.

I felt like I needed to be sneaky about the purchase, like the rest of the Target shoppers would point and snicker when they saw the fat girl putting a workout DVD in her cart.  I was careful to hide it under some Special K Red Berries and some socks.  I picked a cashier who was a bit on the chubby side too.  At least I can point and snicker at myself, right?


The DVD sat on the shelf in my living room for two days.  I put it in today and HOLY COW, the basic level-1 workout totally kicked my butt.  I mean really.  REALLY.  The sweat was pouring down my face and back and toward the end I just couldn't keep going. And of course, Jillian was berating me for not being able to finish.  She kept pointing to the incredibly fit chick to her left that was doing the "modified" (read: fat person) routine.  She mentioned how she's had 400 pound people do these exercises and they did it and she knew I could do it too. I wanted to throw something at her. Prince Charming might kill me if I threw something at his new tv.  I'll have to restrain myself.  Anyway, my heart was pounding and my boobs hurt from jumping up and down because I didn't think to put on a sports bra.

It hit me about five minutes after I was done. I sat down and I felt good.

Isn't that weird?

I loved that tight muscle feeling and being a little winded.  I kinda can't wait until tomorrow.  It is kinda cool to know that I can switch the DVD to music only and not listen to Jillian but for now, I need her to be mean to me.